Pain as a blessing
Can you see your pain as a gift? What's your approach to it? Let me share my story about how changing my approach to pain facilitated a deep healing process. See if there is anything in it that can perhaps inspire you to take a look at your pain.
Hello, back pain. You have been visiting me for quite a while. This time I want to say thank you.
Thank you, for helping me to see. For pushing me to transform. For waking me up.
About a year ago, shortly after my first miscarriage something happened to my back.
I don't know what it was but the pain was insane. Everything I did hurt.
I felt like I finally broke down, literally. My body was broken. My relationship was already broken. I was broken.
Despite of the intense pain I was experiencing every day, I continued doing my daily tasks, fulfil my responsibilities and even massaging others. Walking, sitting, standing and lying down was painful. Three months after that, I experienced healing during facilitating innerdance session and it got much better. The pain was manageable and I decided I will just live with it because my health and wellbeing was on the bottom of my priority list.
After ending my relationship in September, something shifted and I started to pay more attention to myself and my state of being.
I was feeling much better because massaging people in London again was a wonderful experience and I got my confidence and joy back. I had a great time with Malaya and my family and friends. I started to feel alive again.
I though that perhaps I do not have to live with my pain anymore so I decided to reach out to a great therapist to help me.
He did his magic and just like that, my pain was gone and I felt great in my body again. Unfortunately, after my return to Guatemala the pain came back. I had to face the father of Malaya again and it was very challenging and painful to be interacting with him. I felt myself slowly retracting to my curled up position. Painful, uncomfortable. I started to feel small again. But there was still a huge part of me that did not feel this way. The part that got awaken again in London. That part was really strong and resistant. I remember feeling so confused. Why do I feel so bad again? Why do I feel like I can't accomplish anything? Why do I feel like I can't move? Why my fucking back hurts so much again? Fortunately, this time I decided to act fast and booked myself a session with a great therapist here. He fixed my back and I stopped feeling this intense pain, although I continued to be very aware of my lower back and feeling tension there.
But after some time, the pain came back and it was really screaming at me this time. I felt like I wanted to scream. Go away! Leave me the fuck alone! Stop making me suffer.
But the pain wasn't the cause of my suffering, it was the result of my suffering.
What was there?
Intuitively I knew what was residing there and causing it. It was the lack of support I was experiencing mixed with low self-worth.
So if I knew it, why didn't I do anything about it? I felt unsupported by the father of my child for a very long time and I was craving his support so badly. We had arguments about it, I cried about it, I begged for it. After break up, it continued- I wanted to share the responsibility of childcare with him but he was not showing up much. I accepted to take all the financial responsibility on myself because that's how it's been since the beginning of our relationship and I got used to it anyway. But I could not accept that he was not showing up to share his time with his daughter. Once again, I had no space and time for myself because I was waiting for him to take care of our daughter like I do. But it was not happening on a fair or consistent basis. I never know when and if he will show up and if he did it was for short periods of time, nowhere near enough for me to have time and space to catch up on everything, rest and take care of myself.
At some point, I attended a grief writing workshop. I wrote a dialogue between myself and my inner wisdom, in which I got clarity that my back pain is actually connected to my needs not being met. I realised that I was waiting for the father of Malaya to take care of her so I can meet my needs. But it wasn't happening... I left my hope of being supported in the box and let go if it. It was hard to do it and I really felt the pain of letting go of the vision that he will support me and we will co parent together in a balanced way.
But I did it. Then I wrote a letter to him and two responses from him- the first one was how I wish he would respond or I shall say how I feel he could respond believing that he actually has kindness and compassion inside. The second response was written from a space of how I feel he thinks while I am pissed off at him. Writing it was a very healing experience for me.
The same day, I put Malaya to sleep and instead of throwing myself on the hammock and scrolling on social media to escape my pain something else happened.
The Moon was full, the sky was incredible. I took some time to connect with it. Then I lit my incense, put on some healing music and lied down on a mattress, fully exposed to the Moon light. I did not intent to do it but what happened was the breakthrough I was waiting for.
I gave myself the most incredible, absolutely mind blowing healing massage. For the first time ever I massaged myself with the same love, care and attention that I massage others with. Instead of angrily digging into my tension to remove it quickly I actually did it the right way. I finally felt like I deserved to be treated the same way I treat others. I could not believe that after massaging thousands of people during my 7 years experience I never did this to myself properly. I experienced my own magic and damn this magic is strong! I felt how loving my touch is. I felt how much healing I can bring with my hands. I ended up massaging myself intuitively for 3 hours! Communicating with my body, feeling all the pain, every bit of tension, breathing into it, talking to it, letting it go. I was feeling overwhelming gratitude for myself, my body, for the Moon, for everyone who supported me on my journey. What an incredible moment of healing. It was such a beautiful journey within and I could access it all just through the touch and my body. I explored my body many times before, I did many ceremonies, rituals, practices but I never gave myself this kind of massage before.
I truly realised that I have a gift and for the first time this statement actually came from me, not from others. I needed validation all this time, I loved when people were talking about my massage. I needed to hear what they say to believe in myself. But finally, the only person who could really make me believe in me, confirmed it. I was the only one who could make myself truly embody my gift. I understand it so much better now.
During the next days, my healing continued. I was spending my evenings embracing myself, loving myself and touching myself. I started to connect to my pleasure again and explore my sexuality in a loving way, in a safe, self- created container. During the days I managed to find moments to stretch, do some yoga and breast massages. I started writing and I just can't stop now. You can expect to read more from me.
I am currently working on developing a container in which I can heal with others online. We will have different practices and tools to cultivate self care and love, to understand out processes in a deeper way, to release together, to witness each other and to take responsibility of our healing. We can meet on Zoom every week to talk about our processes and hold each other in them.
If you are interested in participating, drop me a message and I will notify when it is ready.
How do you see pain?
Do you communicate with it?
Do you let it guide you?
Can you find a way to benefit from it?
Are you ready to start healing?