• ayamalaya

Overcoming Cannabis dependence

Updated: Apr 13



“It is medicine!”- I used to repeat it over and over again, deeply offended and triggered every time someone questioned why I smoke.

Today I want to answer 3 questions that people often ask me when we talk about Santa Maria aka Cannabis aka Marijuana.


''Why were you smoking?'', ''Why/ how did you stop?'', ''What happened after you stopped?''.


Firstly, I would like to clarify that I have a deep respect for this plant and I believe it is an incredible gift of nature that could be utilised in countless of ways to benefit humanity and our planet. What a beautiful, versatile plant!

I'd also like to add I do not judge people who smoke and the purpose of this post is simply to tell my story.


Me during my smoking days. Photo by Dominika De Art


I used to be an alcoholic and thankfully with the help of Mother Ayahuasca, the Creator and whatever forces that came to aid me I stopped drinking over night in June 2016. However, after getting out of the hell of alcoholism, I became completely dependant on Cannabis. It was a massive change and my life has improved profoundly. But only after I stopped smoking (3 years ago) I was able to see what I couldn't when I was high.


WHY WAS I SMOKING?



“It is medicine!”- I used to repeat it over and over again, deeply offended and triggered every time someone questioned me.


So why did I feel like I needed to take this medicine every day?

Because I was not well and I was trying to self medicate...

Was it helping me to actually get better? Not at all. It was just creating beautiful illusions that everything was fine.

After years of these illusions I was completely sure this relationship was very beneficial for me. Only after disconnecting myself from it I realised it was quite the opposite...


How could I heal when I was constantly numbing myself?

Imagine you have a cavity in your tooth and you take painkillers every day. You don't feel the pain, therefore you say ''this pill works! I am fine. I don't have a problem anymore.''. But unfortunately, each day your cavity gets bigger. It keeps destroying the inside of the tooth and finally you get an infection which influences the whole system. (I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, hence the analogy 🤣).

What will you do? Keep taking pain killers or fix the tooth and see what can be done to prevent it from happening again?

The pain is there for a reason. The pain indicates we need to address an issue.

I believe the goal is not to simply numb the pain but to fix the cause of it.


People say ''Cannabis helps me with my insomnia/ anxiety/ depression/ mood/ appetite/ etc, etc''...

But what happens when you stop? Did it get better, did you get cured?


Do you want to to depend on an external source for the rest of your life?


''THEY just don't understand'',

''THEY are brainwashed'', '

'.THEY just can't connect'',

''THEY demonize a natural, healing plant that is here just to help people!''

I used to say these things all the time.


Let me take you a few years back and reveal a part of my reality back then.


I was smoking daily ever since I opened my eyes until I closed them. I smoked cannabis at the airport. I smoked in countries where it is super illegal and heavily punished. I smoked with friends and without. In and out. Day and night. I was just high allll the time! And I could always find it, no matter where I was in the world.

I was not a stereotypical ''pothead'' who just gets high and lies on the couch all day watching funny cats on YouTube and eating junk food, without any perspectives or aspirations... Far from it! I was working A LOT, my business was doing incredibly well, I was vegan (and raw vegan for a period of time), eating proper whole foods, taking care of myself and generally doing really well in life... That's why it was so hard to see the harm that was happening.



Smoking in Kathmandu

At that time I was a walking Jesus. A pure Goddess, a spiritual angel, floating around the world in her colourful clothes, spreading message of love and peace... Always smiling, always charming, peaceful and seductive... Always trying to feel good. Always trying to bypass actual problems by staying positive and ''happy'' in my bubble of illusions.


But there were moments when I had no access to Cannabis... Then the sweet angel was transforming into a nervous, irritable and angry demon, focusing all her attention into finding her medicine while trying hard to maintain her peaceful appearance. Once it was in my system again, I could put my angel costume back and continue preaching about love to everyone who wanted to listen.



It might sound as if I am dissing myself but I am not. I am just writing from the space of someone who does not depend on any substances anymore and can see myself more clearly.

I am actually really proud of myself for everything I managed to overcome...👏 It was an important time in my life that brought many lessons and it was nowhere near as traumatic as the time when I used to drink. I still have beautiful memories and made some very meaningful connections.




But this time had to come to an end if I was to evolve to the person I am today.



HOW DID I MANAGE TO STOP SMOKING


This time, it was a tiny, Amazonian frog known as Kambo and a kind man Tobias (R.I.P.) that came to my rescue...

I was in Koh Phangan, enjoying my high life when Tobias got in touch with me and offered an exchange of my massage for a Kambo session. I said NO, NO and NO once again. I already had a Kambo experience with someone else and it was the most terrible thing EVER, I was throwing up for hours, I thought it will never end!!! Obviously, this is not how it usually works but my first experience was so terrible I decided to never do it again.

But as usual, the Divine plan was different so eventually I agreed... And this time was very different.



It was 21.02.2018 and Tobias came to pick me up from my bungalow. I don't remember my intention for the healing and cleansing with Kambo but certainly it was NOT to stop smoking cannabis... At that time I was totally convinced it was very helpful and beautiful medicine for me and nobody could tell me otherwise.


We sat by the water in the jungle. Tobias said his prayer and proceeded to apply frog's secretion into little dots on my arm, which he burned with a stick a moment before. I felt the familiar sensation of my heart rate raising rapidly and my system intensely reacting to the substance. Shortly after, I was violently vomiting all my demons into the water 🤣🤣 It was really, really unpleasant but felt so different to my first session, which just felt ''wrong''. I had a sense of something really profound happening. About half an hour later, I was done, lying on a big rock, totally exhausted but feeling a deep sense of peace.



This is where the transformation took place


What exactly happened?

I can't fully explain but from this moment on, I had ZERO desire to smoke anything. I went to the beach with someone the day after. He lit a spliff and offered it to me as usual but this time I really did not want it. I didn't have to fight it, I didn't have to use my will to refuse- I just simply did not want it. Shortly after, I gave back all my stash because I was sure I won't need it anymore.


I had a few more Kambo sessions with Tobias as I trusted him and the frog to help me to deal with my deep traumas. The results were fantastic and I will write about it when I am ready.


I feel it is important to mention that just because Kambo worked for me it does not mean it will work the same way for everyone. So if you are googling the nearest Kambo practitioner to solve your problems, please be aware that these things are really not predictable. There are many factors that need to be taken into consideration, such us the person who applies Kambo, where it comes from, how was it collected, your own state of being, time, space and whatever plan there is that we don't understand...


I guess it was my time to stop even though I didn't realise it. That's why Tobias and Kambo appeared to assist me at that moment.


Tobias never took any money from me... He never took anything from me. It was one of the most meaningful connections in my life and I will always remember him. It was really hard for me to accept his death and I carried grief in my heart for a long time... until my last Kambo session in London, which was before I got pregnant (I was preparing my body to receive Malaya). I managed to cry it all out and now I when I think of Tobias my heart is not heavy anymore.



WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I STOPPED SMOKING



I finally started to ''feel myself'' again.

After I stopped being under influence of Cannabis, we worked with Kambo to help me to remove stuck traumas and address some deep issues... Tobias encouraged me to get rid of a contraceptive implant that was causing a total disconnection from my femininity for many years (my story about it is HERE).

He recommended a beautiful place in Peru that assisted me further with healing. A place in which I got my cycle and connection to the Moon back. A place in which under a care of incredible people I found myself once again. I strongly believe, the profound healing that took place in the Amazon jungle was only possible because I was sober long enough to dive deeper.


I shred my skin. I became a different person. I was absolutely shocked to discover that my connection to the plant I defended so passionately was costing me so much.


Here are some key points :


  • My dreams fully came back. I started to have incredible, profound and healing dreams again- I had none during my smoking years.

  • I became more passionate about things. I realised I have many interests and smoking was preventing me from diving deeper and exploring subjects I am interested in

  • My intuition sharpened a lot as I was not numb anymore. I was able to connect more.

  • I started to FEEL, really FEEL. Feel my emotions. Feel my body again. I became so sensitive, I was able to distinguish between many new sensations in my body that were appearing in different circumstances and partly understand what they meant.

  • My massage has improved as I could feel and see more. I started to have visions while touching people and feel their emotions. I even had dreams seeing my clients before they arrived- I would dream I was healing someone and then that person would actually come to me in this dimension. I had dreams in which I was being taught massage by indigenous people or guided by different beings. My gifts were really coming through.

  • I started to address my problems instead of bypassing them.

  • I became more compassionate toward myself and others

  • I started to attract different type of people into my life and make deeper connections

  • I got my boobs back... 🤣🤣🤣 = I can't wait to write about this one! But it deserves its own post so I will let it be a mystery for now


I am not sure where or how to stop this list because I have done so many things after to continue healing. Breaking my attachment to Cannabis was one of many, not the only one. The list feels somehow complete as it all came out really fast and easily until I started overanalysing everything so I will leave it here for now.


FINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT SANTA MARIA

I want to be very clear: I do NOT blame the plant for anything. What causes unwanted consequences is the improper use of it.


Like with any other medicine, it can heal and it can damage.


Santa Maria is abused by people and sadly, I was one of them. The plant is being modified, there is all sorts of shit added to it and it is not being grown and treated with respect in most cases. It it being used for financial profit without any regards to its Spirit.

What most people smoke (especially in the cities and ''developed'' countries) is very far from the ''natural plant'' they claim it to be and it is no different to taking synthetic drugs (I think perhaps even worse!). A lot of regular ''peaceful'' smokers will flip like crazy without it or when someone questions their dependency (I literally had people telling me I should kill myself just because I said things that are uncomfortable for them to hear).

Santa Maria is capable of creating very strong illusions and while smoking it is hard to see what is actually going on.

I used to defend my dependency with a fierce passion, totally closed to hearing a different perspectives... My observations are not based on personal experience only. I have interacted with tons of people who are or were dependant (some of my very good friends still are). That's why I don't usually try to convince people who smoke to quit because I can almost guarantee they won't be open to my perspective and they will just get pissed off at me.


That's why I share my story on my personal website for people who choose to read. I hope it can help in one way or another.


Final statements:


  • I don't think plants should be illegal. However, I think some countries legalized Cannabis not because they care about our wellbeing but because of profit it brings.

  • Santa Maria has healing properties and can be helpful and beneficial (cancer, epilepsy etc.). However, I don't see it as a solution for depression, anxiety, PTSD etc.

  • Most people in our culture use it in a wrong way.

  • There are people who have a special connection to the plant as it has been in their culture for a long time and they know how to use it. These people take care of it properly, live their lives certain way and are capable of connecting with it in a right manner.


I am not trying to convince anyone to stop smoking.


I am sharing my story because it demanded to be shared. Because when I feel this urge I have to sit down and write until it is done and out of my system, otherwise I feel like I am hoarding! 🤣


Finally, here are some questions for smokers and I invite you to answer them honestly.


Why do you need to smoke?

How do you feel without it?

What exactly do you smoke?

Do you know where it comes from?

Do you feel like you are self medicating? If so, why, what is actually wrong?


HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW DO YOU FEEL?




UPDATE:

I have received a big response after writing this post. Quite a few of my friends or people I met here and there messaged me and expressed their feelings about it and shared their struggle.

I also received some messages on my IG and decided to share one of them (I selected this one because I like it a lot and I got permission from the person who sent it) :


''I quit all illicit substances & alcohol about13 years ago. I found the disconnection from myself no longer rewarding or gratifying.


It was a fix for emotional discomfort & a niche which became more then habitual that ruined some beautiful relationships with others.


The best thing I could have done was to cease basking in the illusion of intoxication & mistake it for spiritual stimulation or cultural heritage.


It was entrenched dependence which deviated from my core values & coated my fears in a blanket of bliss & deception.


Thank you for sharing Wandering Spirit 🕉️🏾 ''



Feel free to message me if you would like to share anything :)

ayamalayaaya@gmail.com

or IG @massagemarta



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