Recently I attended an Ayahuasca ceremony with my partner Angelo and our 13 months old daughter Malaya.
The ceremony was hosted by Huni Kuin- a tribe from Brazilian Amazon. They are the rightful medicine carriers, who deeply understand how to work with these powerful Spirits.
I might write more about these incredible people in a separate post because I have a lot to say. The reflections here will be about the journey itself and some events surrounding it.
I sat at the ceremonies with other tribes before and I attended a ''rapeh'' (tobacco) circle with Huni Kuin but it was the first time for me to be in an Ayahuasca ceremony with Huni Kuin.
First, a tiny intro.
6 years ago, when I was 24 I got a second chance from Life. I was struggling immensely with my alcohol addiction at that time but I was in the process of transformation already. Ayahuasca appeared in my Life and freed me from this addiction in one night. She took me to another dimension where healing happened on many levels of existence. After that, my Life has changed completely. This is one of the most important stories of my Life and I will share it soon. I had several other interactions with Her later on- they were all profound and magical.
The month of October was the toughest month ever since I became a mother on 26th of September last year.
I thought I was going crazy. I was able to keep myself together until this point but something has changed and I started to fall apart. I wrote about it in ''My Truth about Being a Mother'' (HERE).
Now I see this post was very influenced by my state of being at that time.
All I could feel was that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was feeling terrible physically too and I was sure I have some parasites causing me to have all the symptoms I was experiencing.
I was struggling with my relationship and couldn’t stand my partner anymore. I just wanted to end it and at some point we actually separated, whatever that means.
In the midst of all my distress, Mother Ayahuasca appeared again, carried from the heart of the jungle straight to us by Huni Kuin.
When I found out about the upcoming ceremony I started to cry and cried almost every day until it happened. That week we separated.
I actually wasn’t sure if I’ll be going until that day because the organiser lost my number and she didn’t let me know but I decided to message her on the day. She replied almost immediately saying that the ceremony is happening and urged me to come.
I was meant go there alone with Malaya due to our situation with Angelo but that day something shifted in me and I invited him. He agreed and we decided to sit together as a family. Something in me knew that this is not about my individual healing, we are going there to heal together and he is a crucial part of it.
When we arrived we were received very warmly by other participants and the organiser, who was a Mother herself and supported us a lot. She asked us to find our safe place before everyone else chooses theirs so Malaya has a comfortable place to sleep. We located ourselves in the corner and I was very grateful we were acknowledged as a family with a baby and given extra support before and during the ceremony.
I was a little nervous because it was the first ceremony with Malaya. However, I trust the medicine with all my heart so I knew Mother Ayahuasca will let me take care of the baby. She is an unconditionally loving Mother herself. I was in a presence of the Divine Intelligence and the rightful carriers of the medicine so I knew we will be safe.
The Ceremony started with rapeh (a sacred tobacco that is being blown into one’s nose by the medicine men) and Sananga (eye drops that make you feel like your eyes are on fire). Honestly nobody in their right mind would take these medicines for entertainment. It’s not easy but it is worth it. They are all supporting the healing process.
After the energy settled they started serving Ayahuasca. I drank my first cup with a deep gratitude and a clear intention. “Please show me how to be a mother as you are”.
I want to carry this energy with me. I want to nourish my daughter and those around me, enrich their lives, bring healing and support. I want to be forgiving, warm and centred yet also unapologetically honest and fiercely authentic. I want to be able to face the darkness, embrace it and illuminate it. Just like She does.
After a while I started to feel Her deeply in my being. This time Her presence was grounding. I didn’t have visions, I didn’t “trip”, I didn’t spend my time visiting aliens or getting a peak of how other dimensions look like.
But I was very present and I was receiving Her subtle yet clear teachings with a lot of attention.
She taught me that if there’s love in the Centre of the relationship, no matter how far we drift away from each other, we will be pulled back to it.
She taught me that no matter how exhausted I am, I will always find strength to take care of my baby. It won’t let me fall.
She taught me to accept my role fully and be in it with grace and gratitude.
I received a very impactful lesson about support.
I can do it.
I can do it because I’m never alone. I can do it because WE can do it.
I’m a part of my family- my original one and the new one we created.
I’m a part of a community and the community will be holding and supporting me.
I’m a part of this human family.
I’m not alone and we are never alone.
My struggle is everyone’s struggle and everyone’s struggle is mine.
We all heal together and hold each other in this healing. We must do it with compassion and without judgement.
It’s so visible at the ceremony it’s almost unbelievable that I’m not always able to see it in Life. After all, it reflects what’s happening outside of the ceremony too.
How can I not always be aware of it?
How is it possible that we keep forgetting that we are One and let ourselves be divided?
How can we judge each other if we know how much pain we all carry?
How can we lack compassion to one another knowing that we all live with so much trauma?
I know what kind of mother, partner, friend and child I want to be. Of course I get carried away with my thoughts, emotions and patterns. I keep forgetting the Truth. That’s why the healing and learning is an ongoing process. Now I truly feel supported in it.
At this point I don’t feel it’s necessary to describe the details of the ceremony and how each lesson was revealed to me.
However, there is something more I want to share.
The morning after the ceremony I was supposed to be doing Kambo.
Recently, I have not been feeling well.
I was sure I have some parasites causing me all the unpleasant symptoms I had to deal with so I was excited to reconnect with the Kambo frog again to cleanse my system.
An hour before we were supposed to leave our house for the ceremony we started to recall some recent events and it made me think that perhaps there’s another reason for my physical suffering.
We decided to check this possibility despite of me being pretty convinced it’s “impossible”.
Turns out that this time I totally misread my body.
It’s not parasites that caused my symptoms.
I was pregnant again.
Two very clear strips appeared on the pregnancy test.
Shock, disbelief, everything stopped.
A moment of silence followed by tears of joy.
How can this be?
This time we didn’t plan it. It didn’t even cross my mind I could be pregnant.
During last month we created so much distance and drama in our relationship. In my mind I thought that we didn’t have sex for many months. Turns out that I exaggerated the time a little bit!
I had a realisation that we connected during the night of Malaya’s birthday.
We were supposed to be making the cake for her but we followed the flow of the moment and ended up making a baby instead!
I made a delicious cake in the morning and we proceeded with Life, having absolutely no clue that I am carrying a child.
It explains my nausea, weird digestive problems and crazy hunger.
It explains my emotional rollercoaster and mood swings.
It explains my recent exhaustion.
How could I think that our baby is a parasite?! 😂
After discovering the news, we put ourselves together and went to the ceremony.
If I didn’t do the test, I would have done Kambo which could have caused a miscarriage.
Again, a Divine Intelligence urged us to speak about it before the ceremony.
My Dad also had a part in it- he called me that day and after hearing my complaints about my health he asked: “are you pregnant?”. “Of course not, dad. That’s totally impossible”, I replied.
I guess his question still lingered after our talk and it made me check when my last period was, which resulted in Angelo rushing to the pharmacy to buy the test.
The interesting thing is that during this time of my distress I had many thoughts of doing Kambo because I knew that it could help me so much but I didn’t.
Something stopped me.
Of course it did, Kambo wouldn’t harm a baby!
Fortunately, Angelo could safely connect with the frog.
The baby decided it’s the right time to arrive in this world through me and as much we are still very surprised, we are happy. We accept it and welcome her/ him with open arms.
I am grateful to be chosen once again to be a Mother.
(Update: over a month after the ceremony, I actually miscarried this baby. It was a spontaneous miscarriage probably caused by chromosome problems.
Guess what Malaya was doing during ceremony?
She basically slept throughout the whole thing. She woke up once for some time as I was receiving a lesson through her. Other than that, she woke up in the closing prayer circle. She didn’t cry, she opened her eyes widely and was observing the whole thing with real fascination.
Imagine waking up seeing people holding hands, chanting some words and sounding like a bunch of insects!
She stayed awake and witnessed the wonderful interactions between people who just went through this incredibly transformative journey together. She witnessed all the love, hugs, tears and smiles accompanied by words and gestures of support.
That’s what I want her to be witnessing daily.
That’s what I want us and our children to be witnessing and creating every single day!
Much love and gratitude to the powerful medicine carries. Haux Haux Huni Kuin!
Much love and gratitude to all the participants
Much love and gratitude to the amazing woman who organised it.
Much love and gratitude to our great hosts who opened their house to host the ceremony.
Much love and gratitude to all people who made it possible.
And much gratitude and love to myself for showing up and responding to this calling!